If you asked me about my past you wouldn't quite understand my (struggles, nightmares, torments) the only way i can best describe it is by sending you a link to this blog.
It's basically been one year sense I've wrote on this blog, i think its about time to give an update.
From Aug 2012 - July 2013
If you have any questions during the end of "2nd Chapter - Losses Part 2" I figured it's about time to fill you all in on my Journey which is still going on.
Re-awaking
This blog entry is all about starting a new life, experiencing change and giving an understanding about what "Depression" truly is. Also a understanding about what "suicide" is ... I warn you, I'm opening the door for you too see just how dark this happy face is.
Graduation Day, High School : June, 2011;
When i think about about my High School years, they all become one; the fine details are a blur. If only i went to school, instead of fighting day by day to grasp some kind of reality then i would've been able to progress onto a college of my dreams, instead of fighting my way through a community college for a year.
Thinking about my past, is sometimes overwhelming. Where should I start? How do i even start to explain the torment? If only i had focused on my school work,
See, growing up with a mother addicted to drugs and a "Step-Father" also addicted made life difficult. Everyday was a different challenge. Waking up was both a struggle and a disappointment at times. Ether being woken up at weird hours of the night to your mother banging on your door, yelling "TOM WAKE UP AND UNLOCK YOUR DOOR!" God forbid i were ever to ask what was wrong, the situation would only get worse. See I could always tell when my mom was under the influence of different drugs; when she was high on Heroin, she would have no drive to do anything. Her personality was dull and she was prone to random out-breaks paranoia. When she was under the influence of Cocaine, however, it was a non-stop show of a paranoid crazy woman; either someone was in the house trying to rob us or she was convinced I was in trouble. Whatever it was its was always a unwanted Soup Opera that I couldn't turn off.
So on top of that... waking up not having the momentum to do anything other then to sleep the day away or end up taking care of my mother. whom at sometimes would fuck up and get Cotton Fever, And would be vomiting everywhere, causing me to be the parent of the parent.
The days I did go to school I literally created an alter ego, a persona that showed me to be strong and independent and happy, very happy, happy, happy, happy. The life of the crowd as they would call it, went deep down i was a train wreck waiting to derail.
The Fallout:
Waking up my Junior year of high school, in a new house i just moved in to no more than 2 weeks prior. If i knew that would have been my final day of my old life, i would have prepared myself a little better. Waking up and walking to school as any other normal day, fighting to maintain some happiness during the day. I remember the walk home, giving up in my mind. Ripping apart every memory i had. just wanting it all to end.
Walking in to my house, just like every other day after soon. And as normal My step father was head hung over on the couch and my mother was watching TV eating sunflower seeds. of course the first thing i do is walk right into my room. As i walk into my room, i look around my room. Boxes everywhere and my life in disarray. Looking at my phone i decide to call up my best friend and Ex Boyfriend telling him i was walking over to his house, walking out of my room telling my mother i was heading out. just as she was offering me a slice of pizza, i accepted a slice.. reached to the overhead cabinet to grab a plate, the cabinet falls off the all. I stand there holding up the heavy cabinet as its slowly coming down on me. In it was the only thing valuable my grandmother had left me, which was her dish-ware set. As i scream for help, thinking someone in their right mind would be able to help me. Boy was i wrong, instead of being helped, it was just getting worse. Which ended up in me dropping the cabinet, my step dad, my mom and i getting in a fist fight leading me to call the cops on them. When they arrived nothing happened. My Ex's mom ended up coming to get me, and i told my mom. i will no longer live with her until she gets her life in order and goes to rehab. That was my last day living with my mom. For 3 months i was couch jumping at friends houses trying to get my life in order. Until i shallowed my pride and contacted the person i was told my entire life never to trust; my Aunt.
Cotton Fever: Heroin abusers will at times get traces of Endotoxin in their bloodstream. They using cotton balls to filter the drug as they shoot up and the bacteria that causes the condition colonizes on cotton plants.
Symptoms of cotton fever in addition to fever, they may include headaches, malaise, chills, nausea, shortness of breath, and tachycardia. The fever itself usually reaches 101–105 °F within the first hour. It will usually resolve itself within a few hours to a day
The Fallout:
Waking up my Junior year of high school, in a new house i just moved in to no more than 2 weeks prior. If i knew that would have been my final day of my old life, i would have prepared myself a little better. Waking up and walking to school as any other normal day, fighting to maintain some happiness during the day. I remember the walk home, giving up in my mind. Ripping apart every memory i had. just wanting it all to end.
Walking in to my house, just like every other day after soon. And as normal My step father was head hung over on the couch and my mother was watching TV eating sunflower seeds. of course the first thing i do is walk right into my room. As i walk into my room, i look around my room. Boxes everywhere and my life in disarray. Looking at my phone i decide to call up my best friend and Ex Boyfriend telling him i was walking over to his house, walking out of my room telling my mother i was heading out. just as she was offering me a slice of pizza, i accepted a slice.. reached to the overhead cabinet to grab a plate, the cabinet falls off the all. I stand there holding up the heavy cabinet as its slowly coming down on me. In it was the only thing valuable my grandmother had left me, which was her dish-ware set. As i scream for help, thinking someone in their right mind would be able to help me. Boy was i wrong, instead of being helped, it was just getting worse. Which ended up in me dropping the cabinet, my step dad, my mom and i getting in a fist fight leading me to call the cops on them. When they arrived nothing happened. My Ex's mom ended up coming to get me, and i told my mom. i will no longer live with her until she gets her life in order and goes to rehab. That was my last day living with my mom. For 3 months i was couch jumping at friends houses trying to get my life in order. Until i shallowed my pride and contacted the person i was told my entire life never to trust; my Aunt.
Cotton Fever: Heroin abusers will at times get traces of Endotoxin in their bloodstream. They using cotton balls to filter the drug as they shoot up and the bacteria that causes the condition colonizes on cotton plants.
Symptoms of cotton fever in addition to fever, they may include headaches, malaise, chills, nausea, shortness of breath, and tachycardia. The fever itself usually reaches 101–105 °F within the first hour. It will usually resolve itself within a few hours to a day
No comments:
Post a Comment